Cinema Etiquette: 7 annoying things that happen in the cinema

Before I start, I would like to remind/reiterate the header on my blog:

Abe must write because, by doing so, he is able to play god and all the morons receive just retribution.
And because everybody lives up to his (high) expectations and if they do not, they dieeeeeeee.
Conclusively, this will make for a better world.

With that in mind, I think it should be pretty clear to all that I believe that an ideal world would be one that allowed me to in a position of tyranny. We'd all live happily. Promise. 
Sadly, the world isn't quite ready for that yet. Alas, I must continue to fight my case. 

I visit the cinema on a weekly basis, quite often twice and sometimes even more if there are enough good films out and/or I have a backlog of films to get through. I prefer to go during the day time on a non-busy day in hope that the cinema will be quiet/empty. However, every now and then, it just so happens that life decides that I must visit on a Monday evening - the day when my local cinema does £3 tickets - to see the film that everybody wants to see that week (this week's was Gangster Squad - see the trailer here - pretty good film, don't believe the reviews panning it).

Having found myself a comfortable spot to sit in, during the trailers a couple arrive who politely ask me to move one seat down. This slightly annoyed me as there were already two seats spare but I understood the logic, wanting to be closer to the centre (as if one seat makes a damn difference). I eventually moved away from them during the trailers as I realised they were the chatty type and I don't want to hear them talking whilst I'm trying to watch a film. I mean, if you know you're going to be talking during the film, why would you choose to sit next to people when there are other places you could sit and not inconvenience people?! I mean, I remember in the past when I was in a relationship I would sit on the side seats where it was empty.

I can't blame people though. Perhaps they don't go to the cinema enough to realise these things. Maybe they're just ignorant/oblivious. In fact, I blame myself. Because I am responsible for saving this tortured humanity from this world full of anarchy and, up until this point, I have been failing humanity. But this changes today. It's time to clarify some things.

7 annoying things that happen in the cinema:

1) Couples conversing. We'll start with what has already been mentioned. There's nothing wrong with this. We understand you're love birds and don't get enough time to speak and the perfect environment to do this is in a cinema full of people who have paid to watch a film. Just do us all a favour and sit somewhere that we can't hear you.

2) Spares on sell-out screenings. The Dark Knight Rises. Skyfall. Avengers. The upcoming Django Unchained. Films that we ALL know that if you go to see them on release date, chances are the cinema is going to be near full capacity. So when deciding where to sit in your group of friends, why leave a one seat gap between you and the next set of people? Why would you do that? Each row with perfect seats is inevitably left with gaps and people have to sit in crap seats because of your selfishness!

3) Post-trailers entrances. The film has started. In my opinion, you have absolutely no right to start inconveniencing the people who have taken the time and effort to arrive on time, buy their snacks, change their nappies and make themselves comfortable for the cinematic experience in order for you to get a good seat. Asking people to move up one and shit. How very dare you?! You're late, you sit where is the least inconvenience to those of us who arrived on time. Even if that means sitting less than a metre from the screen. You don't deserve the good seats. I hope your eyes turn square too.

4) During film exits. I understand that some of you never learned how to manage the bladder's desires. Worse still, you didn't think to empty said bladder prior to the film. And it just so happens that during the film, you must let that desire take control and make a temporary exit. But do you know when you shouldn't do it? When there's a really big scene happening (to be honest, you should never leave until the film ends). For starters, it's an injustice to yourself. But unless you're on the very end of an aisle, it is absolutely unfair to walk through everyone! Take control of your bladder you feeble human being.

5) Watching comedies. I don't think I like watching comedies on release day. I loved Hangover II but I really should have watched it a second time because the laughter in the cinema just went on for way too long and I probably missed a lot of jokes. It's like people want you to know how funny they found a joke by exaggerating their laughter. Sigh.

6) The Talking Friend. Dear friends, if we ever go to the cinema together, it's most likely because you enforced it on me. If you know me well enough, you know that I am more than happy to go to the cinema alone. In the event that we do go to the cinema together ... DO NOT TALK TO ME CONSTANTLY THROUGHOUT! I came to watch a film, why do you want to make conversation? Even if it's about the film, take your phone out, make a note, we can discuss the film after. Not during. It isn't necessary. I don't want to miss anything. Not a single damn thing. You know the worst? When the friend says something to you and, during this, everyone else in the cinema is laughing and you're unaware why. The absolute worst.

7) THE #1 DUMB QUESTION. The trailers are almost over. The cinema is at pretty much full capacity. You can see two seats in the perfect spot but there is something on them, perhaps a jacket, a bag. Common sense suggests these seats must be saved, why else would nobody have taken them if they are so perfect? But no. You still go and ask if those seats are taken. Lord, give me strength. Please.

Please share this post, people. I go to the cinema to relax and be entertained, not be stressed by moronic behaviour. It may not be frequently that I am forced to put up with this but let's make it never. I need a perfect cinema experience. If you have any things that get to you in the cinema, feel free to share them below. The world must be rid of annoyance and the perfect place to start would be in the cinema. Thank you.

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